There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
