she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
