if you like me you must not know who I am
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
