they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
