i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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