He asked to "fluff my boner.."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
