I'm going to jail i love you
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize