she was so not down for the gang bang
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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