shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
