if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
