Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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