I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
