at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
