I'm pants shitting drunk right now
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
