She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
