new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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