FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The Olympian is in my bed
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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