I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
