I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
