dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
