Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
