Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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