He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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