I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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