It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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