You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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