Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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