I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize