i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize