I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
