I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
