I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
