just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
