totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
