you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We named our party play list daddy issues
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
