it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
