i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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