70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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