im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
