What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize