thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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