I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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