I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize