If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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