he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
