He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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