I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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