shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
