I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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