Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
