I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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