Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
