She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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