my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
