i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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