well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am available for nakedness
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
