you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize