But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
