Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
