drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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