You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have tasted many bathrooms
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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